Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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