I wish my penis had an off switch
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
