dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
