The maid of honor just puked.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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