My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
All the doctor said was why
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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