The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
