were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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