wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
