I feel like I'm in dance class right now
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
