I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
