somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
