I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
