My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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