Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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