did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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