Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
