The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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