My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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