Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
