he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
