Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
