I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
