I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
