after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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