I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i think im in europe. pls send help
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
