A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
