apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
