i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
