I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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