How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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