she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
