I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
