you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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