You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so let's talk penis.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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