Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
