I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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