The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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