gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize