That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
