So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize