2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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