my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
