I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
