Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize