Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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