Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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