Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
