Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
