hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
