Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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