Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
