The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
