kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
