Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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