apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
