lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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