how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
