I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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