I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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