We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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