I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
