I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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