nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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