WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
