Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
