He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize